Analyzing Assholes
The world is filled with assholes. It’s frightening to consider in earnest; If every ant, koala, elephant, and everything in between has (at least) one, the total number of assholes is literally in the quadrillions. Not only do all asshole-bearing organisms share an ability to shit physically, but we also all share an ability to be an asshole. Yes, even the insects: Take this documentary footage of grasshoppers as an example. Not only are those grasshoppers killing each other and are class conscious from the wrong side of it, but there’s just something eerie about how a grasshopper can coast for decades in Hollywood without anybody calling them out.
Whenever I’m not accidentally rubbing oil-removing shampoo on my face instead of aftershave, my skin is generally much healthier and thicker than it’s ever been before. That’s due to genuine self-growth and by being around some truly terrible human beings, who thicken the skin considerably. Regardless, am I an asshole? Absolutely. All the time? No. But sometimes. I try to recognize my own stench, and I do do everything in my power to load myself up with heart-healthy food so that my poops are solid, consistent logs with jolie laide aroma.
It’s important to develop an internal scale to determine how to address assholes. Everybody has an asshole and everybody has and will be an asshole at some point. However, with whatever control we can muster, it’s important to address any given asshole differently. Everything is relative, including your approach to and capability to deal with various types of assholes. Often it’s nuanced by the context the asshole appears in, combined also with the fact of the asshole’s presence. That’s within your control to recognize, and is ultimately a very personal, unique practice. The purpose of this is to describe a loose spectrum of types of assholes. By diagnosing your relationship to the asshole, the better the prognosis to approach them in their shitty state.
1. My People
Examples: My family, Meryl Streep, Jane Goodall, Mr. Nobody
Oh what a world to have these people in it! They make us and the world better. It’s almost as though their poop comes pre-loaded with poo pouri. Sure somebody in this category may be an asshole sometimes, but a conflict with these people mostly affirms that conflict is not necessarily negative; Conflict is simply the exposure of a difference in perspective between people, and so long as there is the underlying truth of love between two people, conflict can actually be a swell moment of growth for everybody involved. With these people, they know how you communicate well enough to interpret your articulated and emotional feelings. An asshole always stinks, but it isn’t always shitty. I’m so appreciative and grateful to be able to put my family here, and I haven’t been given a good reason to not put Meryl or Jane here either. Mr. Nobody is pretty self explanatory of course.
When They Are Being An Asshole: Express yourself completely and respect them completely. Trust in them and they’ll trust in you and all that good stuff.
2. Kind Communication Clashers
Examples: Paddington Bear, Arne Slot, Woke Liberals, My Family’s Cats
These folks are only one tier “below” the first because they have a communication style that may not resonate well with your own. Although it’s less personal, there’s still a shared understanding of each other’s humanity and how to acknowledge the indecency of assholes in most contexts. For instance, Paddington Bear is obviously a good bloke who probably unloads some massive fucking turds on the daily. But, he tends to find himself in all sorts of charming conflicts because he views the world in a lovely yet specific way that isn’t always easy to translate. Arne Slot, the bearer of the world’s best bald head who I imagine poops in a silhouette similar to his body shape, is a remarkably great communicator, but his Dutch matter-of-fact-nature may take some patience to bear while he explains his points as coming from a good place. And the woke libs are certainly on the right track of things, but oftentimes they might just be quoting belle hooks and not speaking from their own mind. They’re usually constipated by the ten matcha lattes they’ve drank in the past few days, so do what you can to help them flush all of that out. Lastly, it’s hard to have good discussions with my family’s cats because they don’t speak English and they are cats. Often they lie about being fed dinner, and when they’re throwing up they’ll sometimes walk over to my shit so that it’s harder for me to clean up. Despite them also pooping their entire body weight daily, we get along well because I love them unconditionally and they are soft and cute.
When They Are Being An Asshole: Ask clarifying questions by saying things like “What I hear you saying is …” and “I felt like ____ when you did _____ because …”. Give them opportunities to become more aware and grow, and confirm that you still care and support them whenever possible.
3. Peak Professional Development
Examples: People Who “Don’t Listen to Music”, Milk Drinkers, Overhead Light Enjoyers, Bass Players
There’s such a wide range of possibilities with how conflict may be created or progress with these people. When they’re an asshole, it’s then difficult to figure out how to address it. Basically, these people are difficult to pin down, and a goal in interacting with these people is to figure out how self aware they are. Do they recognize when they fart, and do they care? Maybe they meant to poop appropriately but were just a bit clumsy and missed the toilet bowl. Maybe from a place of constipation they’re jaded and anxious with the world and are just looking for any toilet-appearing shape to take a dump on. Maybe they’re presenting their asshole to the world only because they were told as a kid that a butt needs Vitamin D.
It’s all about the process to determine where these people fall on your own personal spectrum. In a conflict, that process generally involves acknowledging the objective context of an incident, speaking towards your individual actions, apologizing however appropriately and genuinely, and drafting workable steps. This article puts it pretty well, and if done well it gives you each a better sense of how much you actually want to invest in that person. Even just going through a process like this in the first place communicates a lot of care! But if it turns out that they farted on you on purpose instead of by accident, there’s no point in being next to somebody who smells bad all the time.
People who say that they don’t listen to music are either kidding themselves, insecure about something, or a complete fucking idiot. A milk drinker may have something fascinating to say, and they might also enjoy murdering people on the side. Bass players don’t have brains so it can be hard to figure out what they’re thinking about, and people who like overhead lights exist in a reality totally opposite to my own.
There’s a good chance these people don’t become “Your People”, and here’s to hoping they don’t fall onto the other side of the spectrum. Regardless, the opportunity to interact with people whose worldviews aren’t identical to your own will be as positive as you make it out to be. Learning about new assholes makes it easier to see when you’re being like that ya know?
When They Are Being An Asshole: Ask open-ended, non-judgemental questions to see where they stand on things. Share parts of yourself whenever possible to support them in sharing about themselves. Bring up things you both enjoy to then discuss things you don’t both seem to enjoy.
4. Why Are You Like This
Examples: Some of my Coworkers, Manchester United Fans, Reality Show Contestants, “Centrists”
On this side of the spectrum, people start getting mean. All the previously-mentioned potential hurdles towards effective communication may be present, but most unfortunately you might also have to deal with them generally not making ethical decisions. It’s then a question of how okay you are with investing a lot of yourself into these people that will appear to be doing far less than you are. In essence, these are toilet paper abusers who never restock a new tube.
What do you see in them that you are investing in? Is it important to maintain a healthy workplace, like I need to do with some of my coworkers? Are you concerned for their wellbeing and feel capable of helping them through a dark time, like Manchester United fans have been experiencing for 12 years? Are you just superficially attracted to somebody but they clearly don’t have a single brain cell engaged in anything besides stonewalling you? Is there a possibility that they are just uninformed and lack critical thinking skills, and do you feel equipped to help broaden? Would it help them, and would it hurt you?
If you’re willing to compromise aspects of yourself to invest in these people for whatever reason is important to you, go for it. Just take account of what your non-negotiables are so that you don’t get lost in the mirth of these truly odd and concerning individuals.
When They Are Being An Asshole: Communicate communicate communicate (whenever appropriate). Say how you feel and don’t let things simmer. Prepare for difficult moments by genuinely considering their perspective and whether it affects your own beliefs - often, their counter-argument will strengthen your argument. Talk to your people and about these folks to release the tension and get support.
5. Straight Up Bad People
Examples: Stephen Miller, My Former Roommate Najeeb, JK Rowling, AI Companies
These people combine all the worst aspects of human beings, and choose to cause others harm. They are irredeemable. Their presence is toxic, both intentionally and unintentionally, and they will do nothing but take up space in your head if you give them an inch of care or time. Truly bad people are existentially terrifying to me; Their poop leaves a stench that never fully goes away.
Do not give them anything. In the words of Rachel Sennott, as is true with my experience, the only takeaway worthwhile from interacting with people in this category is that it puts your principles to the test through practical application. Oh so you think you’re a good communicator who’s empathetic and compassionate and understanding? Try getting a guy who says he’s killed people and threatened to hit your car to wash the dishes. Oh you like books? Guess what they’re banned now and they’re also gay but they also don’t believe in trans rights. And they have just been rewritten by an AI. I think I conflated Miller and Rowling and Altman a bit there but to me they’re the same shape and size of poop that it’s hard to smell a difference. And fuck Najeeb.
When They Are Being An Asshole: Create a voodoo doll of their likeness and spend your free time considering new ways to fuck with it. Take nothing they say personally, but indirectly reward yourself by reaffirming that even at your lowest point you are better for the world then these pieces of shit.
Conclusion
I don’t think I could have written something like this a couple years ago, largely because I’ve since had to live with and work under a couple “Straight Up Bad People”. Although I advocate for growing through any kind of conflict, which is always possible, it’s important as well to acknowledge how exhausting all of it is. It’s distressing when a loved one is being an asshole, it’s scary when somebody you don’t really know is being an asshole, and it’s infuriating when a piece of shit won’t stop being itself. I also couldn’t have written a couple of years ago what I think alleviates some of that exhaustion: Judgement, grudges, and anger are important. I’ve lived a life without many grudges, and although I’m thus often free of the burden of ill will, it runs the risk of being taken advantage of. In a time of “slow-creeping” (aka rapidly escalating) authoritarianism and validation of bullying in all forms, the first frontier is with yourself; How will you advocate for what’s right?